Day 11: Blood Is Thicker Than Water?

it's been exactly one week since my grandfather's passing, and 5 days since i actually heard the news.  today is the first day that i've felt ok, relatively speaking.  this has been an extremely difficult time for me as this is the first death that i've experienced, and the way that i received the news has left me sad, angry and confused.

3 weeks ago, my mother told me (via email...) that my grandfather had been diagnosed with a rare but treatable form of bone marrow cancer and that with a pill form of medication he would continue to live a long and happy life.  if you read my blog post from that day, you'll remember that i was quite upset that such serious news (no matter how optimistic doctors were) was delivered to me via email.  i tried to convince myself that if my mother was deeply concerned about my grandfather's health she would've taken the time to call me.  well, now i don't know what to think.

Day 10: R.I.P.

my grandfather passed away.
my grandfather passed away.
my grandfather passed away.
my grandfather passed away.
my grandfather passed away.



even writing those words it doesn't seem real.  my heart is broken and i feel hollow.  i just can't believe he's gone.  i don't know what else to say.

i love you papa.

Day 9: WTF

i've lived overseas for about two and a half months now, and i actually haven't talked to my mom on the phone since... but we do email each other at least once a week.
just so you have some background, my mom and i have never been very close.  she had me when she was young and when her mother (my grandmother) learned she was pregnant with me, she was basically disowned.
my mom and dad are very different people, and i often wonder what brought them together in high school.  my mom was the A student, star athlete type while my dad only got good marks in the arts and was a serious pot head.  really it doesn't matter, because somehow they ended up together and having an unplanned pregnancy.

Day 8: Long Weekends Are The Best

alright, so i' not writing this blog daily (which i think i mentioned in the last post).  as much as i would really like to, it's not realistic.  since i've only been living abroad for two and a half months, everything is still so new and exciting so i feel i have to take every chance i have to go out and experience it on my own or with new friends.

it's a bank holiday weekend which means i have 3 glorious days of whatever i want.  prue and i had planned to go to manchester for the weekend, just to get out of london and also so i could see a new part of the uk.  well, it was a last minute scramble and things just didn't work out so we decided we would make the most of the weekend closer to home.  essentially i've been partying (hard) for the past 2 days and loving every minute of it...  going to a couple after hours clubs and having a mini house/room party with some friends.

not sure what tonight will consist of, but there is a high chance that we will be dancing up a storm at a club somewhere.

Day 7: Things Don't Always Go As Planned

all week, like literally since monday, i've been dying to go out.  today (friday) was meant to be an amazing night of friends, good music, and a little booty shaking.  well, that didn't happen.  the two friends i had planned to go out with both bailed because they were tired.  to say i was annoyed is a gross understatement.  i tried my best to be understanding given karen (my aussie friend) has to work tomrorow, and prue has been burning the midnight oil for 3 days straight.  but at the same time i was really disappointed because i feel like if the shoe was on the other foot, i still would have made the effort and gone out with them because i knew it was important and they had been looking forward to it for so long.

oh well, as my grams always says to me i often give too much to my friends and expect a lot in return.  when i say a lot i don't mean anything greater than what i can offer, but i'm willing to sacrifice myself to help a good friend have a great time.  i know karen and prue didn't do this intentionally, and this is probably just the booze talking (well probably not), but i don't think it was too much to ask for them to come out with me even just for an hour.  what do you think??

Day 6: Knackered...

alright, it's only been 6 days since i started this blog and i've already failed at posting daily, but for good reason!  i was told that i was getting paid yesterday, but i was grossly misinformed.  this totally screwed my whole day as i spent it trying to figure out how i was going to get to work... and then home again.  it all worked out in the end, but by the time i did get home i was dead tired and was desperate for sleep.

other than that nothing eventful happened.  tonight should hopefully bring some excitement as i'm going out with some friends.  time to tear this city up!

Day 5: Same old, Same old

happy wednesday!  today is a good day since:

a) it's wednesday, which means tomorrow's thursday, which means it's basically friday
b) i get paid tomorrow

today was pretty uneventful... work was really busy for me but it was nice to actually have to use my brain again.  after work prue picked me up which was a nice treat because i got to sit in a cab while she dropped off some of the clothes that she used to style the celeb last week.  i got to pretend i was her assistant and go to a pr agency and see some amazing shoes and clothes that aren't available to the general public.  i fell in love with a pair of shoes there.  i didn't think anyone noticed me staring at them until prue and i got back in the cab and said "you loved those shoes didn't you? i saw you eyeing them."

that's all i got for today!

Day 4: Time To Man-up

this morning was a struggle... against my better judgement i decided to party a little bit last night.  i didn't get home at an overly unreasonable hour (midnight), but i couldn't get to sleep to save my life.  after tossing and turning for about 5 hours, i finally managed to fall asleep for what felt like 10 minutes.  by the time i realized my alarm was going off, i had about 30 minutes to get ready and catch my train in to work. ugh.

it was an extremely busy day today as there was meeting after meeting scheduled and of course any crisis that could've come up did.  it was probably for the best though because it forced me to really power through the day without thinking about how tired i was.  i wasn't even worrying about nate which was an added bonus.

Day 3: Well This Is Awkward...

today was the first day back to work and seeing nate since the "incident" last week.  although i had pep talked myself into believing everything would be fine, and that things would only be awkward if i made them so, i was really nervous about going in.  so nervous that i actually got up an hour earlier than usual so i could get to work before nate.

prue had styled me last night (with clothes that i would never be able to afford) so that i would look fierce and feel fierce.  it helped a bit, but i felt myself avoiding any opportunity where i would be within close proximity to nate.  i still wasn't ready to make nice.

Day 2: Friends And Fashion

i've been wallowing in my sorrows all weekend over the events from a couple of days ago, but today one of my best friends (let's call her prue) called me and dragged me out of my house to help her with some work.  now prue is a stylist, a very well respected one at that, who works with some of the hottest celebrities, so of course i jumped at a chance to experience a day in her life.

she was dressing one person in particular all week, and when i saw the amount of clothing and accessories that were pulled for the celeb it blew my mind.  i've never seen so many beautiful (and expensive) clothes.  luckily for me prue let me try some stuff on for fun.... at one point i was wearing £30,000 worth of clothing which consisted of a dress and a jacket.  unreal.

after we finished work we just hung out (still are right now actually) and it was really nice.  it was nice to have a reminder that i have some truly amazing friends.

Day 1: "I Really Respect You, But..."

alright, i really like(d) this guy at work (already a bad choice, i know) and i thought he was into me too.

as mentioned before, i'm not going to use anyone's real name so let's call this guy nate.

a couple of weeks ago i was out at a pub with a bunch of work friends, nate included.  all night nate had been chatting with me and apologizing for an incident that had happened a couple of weeks prior.  i told him we were cool and that he didn't need to worry about it anymore, which really seemed to make his day/night.  he kept going on about how he thought i was super cool and fun, and that he was really starting to like me.  of course i was skeptical because we had all been drinking, and people say stupid shit when they're drunk, but then all of my friends kept coming up to me and telling me that nate was super into me.  i hadn't told anyone, but i did have a crush on him... i was just too afraid to admit it.

Let's Give This A Try...

so, i've been toying with the idea of writing a blog about me. no, no i don't mean it like that... i really just felt i needed a place to vent and put myself out there (to an extent).

i am naturally a very private person.  i don't like to express my feelings, because:

a) feelings suck
b) anytime i have expressed my feelings, i've been burned
c) feelings suck

i don't really expect anyone to read this, but if you are one of the unfortunate souls who've stumbled upon this "blog", i'm sorry for subjecting you to this, but thanks for reading.  i'm completely open to people leaving comments - positive or negative.  just remember, if you do want to leave something negative try and be constructive... no one forced you to read this shit.

this is super cliche, but i'm going to post once a day for the next year (this post doesn't count).  i need to set this goal so i don't just say "fuck it", and stop posting.  i really think i need this.

**as a side note, any names that i use are fake.  i don't want to intentionally hurt anyone, so figure it best i keep this anonymous. oh and of course i don't need the humiliation of people knowing how i really feel.