just so you have some background, my mom and i have never been very close. she had me when she was young and when her mother (my grandmother) learned she was pregnant with me, she was basically disowned.
my mom and dad are very different people, and i often wonder what brought them together in high school. my mom was the A student, star athlete type while my dad only got good marks in the arts and was a serious pot head. really it doesn't matter, because somehow they ended up together and having an unplanned pregnancy.
i have a lot of assumptions about what happened next, and those assumptions are based on what i know of my family. knowing my grandparents on my dad's side, they probably encouraged him to do the "right" thing, which was to marry my mom. they did get married and remained so until i was 5. when my mom became a single parent she worked long hours so i didn't really see her much, and most of the time we spent together (from what i remember) was very stressful... this feeling eventually developed into an overwhelming fear. i was literally afraid of her. i was afraid to ask for things, even small things because i didn't want to get yelled at which led to me lying about the smallest thing. i remember a day when i wanted to take my cabbage patch doll to the playground behind our building, but instead of just asking if it was ok (yes, i honestly thought i had to ask) i snuck it outside. when it was time for me to go back in, i was so afraid i would get caught that i hid the doll in the stairwell with a plan to get her at a later time. by the time i went back for the doll she was long gone. talking about the past is extremely difficult, and i don't want to get too much into our relationship and my upbringing in this post. it's something that i struggle with daily and realize it is affecting my life. the problem i have is that when i look at my negative traits i can pinpoint where they come from. i understand how the seemingly negative things that have happened in my life still affect me till this day. the problem is that i haven't verbalized this to the right people, to help me move on.
anyway, i got an email today from my mom which said that my dad's been in hospital and that his kidneys are only 60% functioning AND that my grandfather has been diagnosed with a rare but treatable form of cancer. yes, i know that things could be worse... i could've been told that both were terminally ill, but because my family is so young i've never experienced death or serious illness. i guess in a sense i've felt invincible to that sort of thing. i'm trying to convince myself that if my mom was truly concerned she would've called me and not emailed me with this news. i mean like i said, we don't have the best relationship in the world, but i love her and i know she loves me and only wants the best for me. this was just a lot to hear in one sitting... two of my immediate family members suffering from an ailment that has potentially fatal outcomes.
i haven't cried, i don't feel angry, i just don't know how to feel. i'm hoping that i will feel something in the coming days...
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